To start I have a pic for you; In my neighborhood we have a bunch of squirrels that are so dark they are nearly black. They are regular squirrels that normally would be gray, but because people in the neighborhood noticed a black variation a few years ago, the squirrels are well fed and the black variant is becoming more and more common. They're cute. Here's a pic of one lounging in the spring sun on my back fence.
Well life has been hectic and hard lately, and I have felt rather frantic, like a squirrel in the fall. This year appears to be one of introspection and emotional and mental growth for me. I have been doing a lot of self examination and pondering over my relationships with people and the world in general. I think everyone has a bit of self delusion; we lie to ourselves about our motivations and our responsibility for things. We ignore things because to acknowledge them would require hard work or pain on our parts. It's basic human nature and everyone does it, I am certainly no exception. I think the secret to a happy life is to, every once in a while, be honest with yourself. Completely and totally honest. I'm doing it now and it's not easy - I've had to admit several things to myself; I'm far too controlling and proud for my own good. I struggle everyday with an impossible list of things to do, most of which are dictated by my pride and the rest are my attempts at controlling every aspect of my life. At the same time, I'm sabotaging my weight loss attempts on a regular basis. Why? I'm not sure yet, but at least I can see that I am doing it - I used to deny that: it wasn't my fault that I didn't have time for the gym (The class I wanted was at the wrong time, I was too busy, the baby's were napping at the time I was going - you know the 1000 excuses) And I had to eat right? So if I had spent the morning doing errands and ended up going through a drive thru for lunch, well I deserved it. sigh.
Anyway, this current mode of introspection has helped me realize that I need to be a bit more realistic in my expectations of myself and my husband and children. I strive to be the 'perfect mom' you know that Stereo-typical Super Mom. But one of the things I'm coming to realize is that it's just not achievable for me. I cannot juggle the housekeeping, the raising of 4 kids (including a teenage daughter and all that attitude that comes with it, an 8 year old demanding angel, a toddler boy who is potty training (!)and a 6 month old baby girl)helping them with homework and social stuff, after school activities and sports, be a brownie leader and volunteer at the school, manage all our finances, get ready to move, take care of the pets, work out daily and diet, make sure my family eats healthy yummy meals, be a good and supportive wife to my hubby, and all the other stuff that I feel responsible for, as well as find time for myself to sit and stitch. I cannot do it all and stay sane. The pressure of doing it all perfectly is what is crushing me. I don't just let my kids grow up- I try really hard to parent 'perfectly' which is a fairly variable thing given the wide range of my kids ages, but I think essentially boils down to helping them grow and develop into normal, healthy, happy adults. The struggle is that I'm never sure how it's going; I don't get graded, or progress reports on my work, I have to do it by instinct and guesses. I suppose what I've realized is that I need to focus on the things that are really important, not just the stuff that my pride dictates. I can't be running in every direction at once; I've got to be focused on just the important things like a squirrel in the fall; get the nuts, and save them, just the nuts. Obviously the kids, the hubby and stitching win out. The housework and all the rest will have to wait.
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